An Unexpected Hug

It has been several months since my final day of work. I have already gone through every emotion in the grieving process. Twice. The depression hit me hard this time. I was struggling with my self-worth, taking care of the kids, guilt, and disbelief over how long it was taking to find a new job. It's been a rough winter.

One night I was up late and was praying. I was getting angry with God. I had so many "why" questions and wasn't getting answers. I'm pretty sure He was answering me somehow, I just wasn't getting it. I was too deep in self-pity and depression to notice. I asked God to please send me a sign.

A few days later, I received a phone call from my Mom. She said that she was told to get me something from my Grandma. Now, just so you understand, my Grandma means the world to me. She is sweet, kind, loving, and generally just plain awesome. She is retired and lives on the other side of the country from me. I miss her every day.

When I received the item, it was not what I had expected. I figured it would be some sort of figurine or household item that we might have needed. Instead, it was a holding cross. A holding cross is a hand carved cross that is slightly off kilter so it fits in your hand perfectly while you are praying. It is a beautiful natural wood color with no paint. This item is used often in hospice centers so that the people have something to hold onto while praying or are being prayed for. It's a comfort item. Obviously, I was appreciative of the fine gift, but I was mad at God and didn't want to use it right away.

I left it on my nightstand for a couple of weeks. Each night I looked at it and cried while begging God to answer me. Finally one night, while laying in bed, I quietly prayed again. I told God that I was angry and that I didn't understand how I was supposed to feel comforted by Him. At that moment, I decided to try holding the cross that my Grandma had sent me.

I put the cross in my left hand and laid down on my right side with the cross in front of my heart. Doing so forced me to hold my right arm out in front of me and as I bent my right elbow, my right forearm and hand crossed my body in front of my left hand. The end result, I realized, looked like I was hugging the cross. I was finally able to release everything that was built up inside me. I cried harder than I had cried in a long time. That night I slept well and woke up the next morning with a new perspective on our situation.

I am not sure where she heard it from, but my Mom has always said, "God doesn't give us what we can handle, He helps us handle what we are given." The problem was that I wasn't allowing Him to help me by being angry. So, He went to my Grandma and put it in her heart to send the cross to me. He helped me handle what I was given by sending me a hug through the heart of a woman from across the country.

Note: Here is a link to a site for holding crosses. http://www.holdingcross.com/