Today, I cried. Twice. The first time was early this morning while dressing for church. I was overwhelmed with our current circumstances and stopped to pray. I couldn't help but to be overcome with emotion as I begged God to make it all better. I asked God for direction and to help me understand when he shows me a sign.
The second time was at church. We were supposed to help in the nursery today. A young lady stopped by and asked if we needed any more help. I took the opportunity to let her replace me so I could go to the service.
The pastor spoke of how we, as humans, do our rituals without much thought. We can partake in communion, but all the while we're thinking about what Christmas gifts to buy or what to have for lunch. The longer I sat there listening to the sermon and about John the Baptist and ritual cleansing (baptism) and the Last Supper, the more I realized that the message was what I needed to hear.
This is the time of year to be joyful and celebrate the birthday of Jesus Christ our Savior and Lord. I haven't been joyful and have been getting too caught up in the "who gets what gift" game. I go through the motions because I do it every year. Put up the tree: check. Decorate the house: check. Buy and wrap gifts to put under the tree: check. Next bake cookies, make travel plans, book hotels, make phone calls, send cards, write letters…Why? Do I really want to? Or is it because it's just what I have done every year and it's becomes a mindless ritual? I tend to forget why I'm even celebrating Christmas.
More than once, I've heard someone say "I'll be so glad when Christmas is over." Did you ever look forward to your birthday party? How would you feel if someone you loved said "I'll be so glad when your birthday is over!" It would make you sad, wouldn't it? I mean, it's your birthday! It only comes around once a year. It's the day that you were born. It's the day you hold special to remind yourself and everyone around you that you are still here. You exist.
Lost job, lost house, unexpected expenses, unexpected circumstances all take their toll on a person. Many times it's hard to see the positive when so many negative things bombard you at once. As I sit here with my cup of coffee and my computer, I realize that I have already been blessed. I look around me and I see walls, a ceiling and floor: a place to live. I hear the furnace running: warmth. I smell clean laundry: clothes on my back. I tasted dinner tonight: food. I felt hugs from my family: love.
The reason I cried during the sermon is because I realized that I keep begging God to fix my life, but I don't pay enough attention to His. I realized that I keep asking Him to serve me when I should be serving Him. Repent. The pastor said it means to 'turn around'. I must turn around and let God lead the way instead of constantly trying to drag Him along and then wonder why He's not leading.
I may not have everything I want, but I most certainly have an abundance of what I need. What I need most, is God's love and I have to trust Him to lead the way. Everything in His time.
(Disclaimer: If you're wondering about the "Today"...I wrote this on Sunday, but posted it on Monday.)
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